Thursday, June 20, 2013
Trust, or the lack thereof, is one major issue that can make or break a relationship. Honesty and commitment are certainly in there as well, but trust (or faith, if you prefer) in the person or persons with whom we are in relationship is crucial to the success of the relationship.
I need to digress for a sec – bear with me. (I know I usually admit I’ve digressed after I’ve taken you on an “Oh! Shiny Object!” moment, but today I choose to warn you in advance.) When I talk about “relationship” please think beyond the person you are married to, dating, or the person with whom you hope to create a new life. Let it be ANY interaction you have. Face it. In the Universal scheme of things we’re all one anyway, so all relationships are with ourselves on some level.
But have you ever thought of the relationship you have with the cashier at the grocery store or the person who just let you into traffic on the freeway in the same way you view your beloved? What if we saw everyone as our beloved? They really are, you know! We’re so afraid of being intimate (because in Western society intimate means we had, are having or will have sex), that we’re totally afraid of expressing our emotions.
I remember asking my friend, Melissa, about her ethnic background. She’s half Bahamian and half Irish. She has the most soft, beautiful milk chocolate skin I’ve ever seen. She’s gorgeous, but in a totally unassuming way. She walks into the room and turns heads. I had often wondered what her ethnic background was (people often do with her), but hadn’t ever asked because I felt it was rude. When she expressed one night in to our graduate class how annoying it was to her when people assumed her background, I asked. In class. Out loud and in front of everyone. I simply said, “I think you are one of the most exotic and beautiful women I’ve ever seen and I’ve been dying to know what your background is. So, please tell us.”
She was stunned for a second. She said no one had asked her in such a way and it was the beginning of our friendship. I can tell Melissa anything…and have. I truly love this woman. I could cuddle up with her and watch a movie, or go walking in the park with my arm around her or holding hands. We’d never hop into bed together – first of all she’s half my age and second my husbands wouldn’t appreciate it - but we have a delightfully, honest and intimate relationship.
THAT’S what I’m talking about. And to understand that you HAVE to get your head out of the Western idea of labels, boxes and categories about people and just friggin’ accept that our intimacy and love can come from so, so, so, so many other places than where we’ve been taught in the past. Perhaps that’s why there are so many men and women pining for love. They have such a stilted idea about what intimacy and love is that it could slap them upside the head and they’d STILL miss it. SHEESH! (Picture the Universe exuding a collective “groan.”)
Now back to the topic – did you enjoy the “Oh! Shiny Object” journey with me? To have the relationship we want or maintain the ones we have we MUST trust. Pure and simple. However – and now we REALLY get to the reason I thought of writing this! – we have to get back to basics and really communicate effectively with one another. Now, I DO understand that we communicate in more ways and far more frequently today than we did twenty years ago … or even five. But our cyber communications can be as much of a threat to our relationships as they are a tool of connection. Why?
Because we suddenly have more access to our lover’s or friend’s lives as we ever had before. What if we see a post on our partner’s Facebook page from someone we don’t know? How does s/he know my husband? They seem awfully friendly. Why? Wait a minute! Are they messaging each other privately, too? I’d better check his/her computer while they’re at work! Hey! How come his/her history shows them on THAT site! What are they on THERE for?!?
The madness begins. The fear explodes. The relationship implodes. Trust. Pure and simple. We must trust if we are to maintain our relationships. Cyber access has suddenly made us privy to everyone’s diary, with our inner most thoughts and fantasies exposed for all to see. It’s a mine field we need to stay out of at all costs, or the cost may be our relationships, our friendships and even our connection with our blood family members or family of choice.
Take time this week to trust someone at a whole new level – meaning stop worrying if he hasn’t texted you in the past five minutes or she hasn’t share the purchase of her grande mocha latte frothing whatever…with caramel drizzle. Be willing to be trustworthy. And, if you are having problems with this, ask yourself: If I can’t trust my partner/spouse/friend, then why am I in relationship with them in the first place? We’re here to love, enjoy and explore life with each other, not be each other’s babysitter, judge or jury.
As my husband, Kevin, says, “Hey! Jus’ bein’ me.” So this is me “jus’ bein’ me” – sharing with you my week, my life experience, my hopes, my dreams, my successes and perhaps what I perceive as my failures. This thing called life, as Ernest Holmes put it, is who we are, warts and all. Live life to the fullest and as authentic and unique as you are. Love ya!
In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,