Being Raggedy Ann in a Barbie World

Have you ever felt out-of-place in social situations? I have. A friend once said she often felt “like a house dress in an evening gown world.” Talk about feeling out of place! Imagine showing up for a party in very casual, knock-around-the-house clothes, only to discover it was a black-tie affair. NOT pretty!

First let me make something perfectly clear here about the title of this article. I’m not giving preference to Raggedy Ann or to Barbie. Most of us have heard what Barbie would look like in human form if her proportions were enlarged to a real person. She’d definitely turn heads, but not for the right reason. And, Raggedy Ann’s name alone may give us a picture of something less than pristine or desirable if used to describe ourselves.

Little girls and boys are taught in the media what body types are desirable and which are not to be imitated. Most of us look nothing like the people in the majority of advertisements we see and there’s a perfectly sound marketing reason why that is so. Commercials and print ads are selling a product and playing on our egos and insecurities to buy the wares they are hocking so that we will look better, smell better or be more like the ideals society ascribes to us to be the most desirable man or woman.

Setting Barbie’s “real” measurements aside for a moment, let’s assume that both she and Raggedy Ann are equal. See them as two different individuals, both with desirable characteristics, and each as living happy, productive and fulfilling lives. They are no different than the apple and peach trees in my yard. Both produce different and satisfying fruit. In real life, those of us who are Raggedy Ann and the ones of us more Barbie-esque can have lives worth living if we can accept our own individual gifts and personality.

I love being in a tux and am told I clean up fairly well when I wear one. But I can still enjoy being the t-shirt and jeans guy I am. You may find yourself in complimentary careers or living situations that seem diametrically opposed to others, yet you know it works for you. What we each can do is see if the “Barbie-type” goals to which we might be striving to attain are really what we want. Conversely, we can additionally examine our uncomfortable feelings with enjoying the simpler, “Raggedy Ann-type” accomplishments in our lives.

Successful living is about accepting who we are and changing what we choose to change. It’s about knowing that we need only our own approval to live our lives full-out and magnificently. Perhaps this week you’ll join me in allowing your own unique personality and gifts to be made more visible by sharing with the world who you are. The world awaits you!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

I am Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I’m on vacation this week – away from home AND away from all my electronic gadgets! I hope this week you’ll enjoy a revised version of a popular article I wrote in 2012. See you next week with something brand new and fresh!

Terry

I am Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Have you ever had one of those days when everyone looks at you like you have green antennae growing out of your head? It’s sort of that “fish out of water” experience; you just don’t feel like you belong.

I grew up, like a lot of my friends, not really feeling at all like I belonged where I was. My trailer park roots are not something of which I am ashamed, but mother always said that I must have been mixed up at Good Samaritan Hospital in Dayton, OH, with a missing baby from the Rockefeller family. My champagne tastes on a beer budget have gotten me in a financial pickle more than once.

But that’s not exactly what I am talking about. Sometimes when we don’t feel like we fit in it’s because we really don’t fit in. That’s not to say we are better than those around us, but we may very well be different. It’s as if we are trying to park diagonally when everyone else is parking parallel. We tend to stand out.

While our school systems would like us to believe that we are educating free-thinkers, the teachers who allow students to think outside the box are few and far between. Today many educators are more concerned with test scores and measurements than they are with teaching our young people how to reason or think creatively. When a child does not conform to the norms of the school or society she or he can be set apart as undesirable.

We must each decide how much we wish to fit in without jeopardizing our individuality. At the same time we can be more loving in how much latitude we give to those around us in how they choose to express their individuality. Just because we are different than those around us, or around those who are unlike us, it doesn’t mean we or they are wrong. Neither should it require anything more than a change of outlook. It means each of us is uniquely qualified to express life in a way that no one else can. That is something to be celebrated, not repressed.

Perhaps this week you can cut yourself some slack if you find your decisions are going against the grain of those around you. We needn’t make others wrong to justify our actions. But, we can believe in ourselves, knowing that we are acting in a matter which is best for us.

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Is it good, but still not right?

“So, how are you?” you are asked, to which you answer, “Good! I’m good!” Then it happens. The person raises an eyebrow, perhaps smirks ever so slightly and asks, “Then why don’t you look/sound like it?”

I hate to be busted. I’d like to think I can keep my emotions to myself, but the truth is I’m not nearly as good at hiding my feelings when I’m upset or angry about something. I was serving on a board one time and in the middle of the discussion another board member said, “Terry hasn’t said anything yet. I want to know what he thinks, because it’s been my experience that it’s not when he’s talking that I need to worry, but when he’s quiet.”

What’s going on with us when our life is seemingly okay on the surface, but something still seems amiss? It’s a puzzling situation. We can’t put our finger on what’s eating at us, but we’re well-aware of something being “off.” For me, it feels like the ground is going to fall out from under me, or the world around me is going to explode, or some little gnarly critter is nibbling at me in an unrelenting manner. Whatever it may be in your experience, it’s unpleasant and stops us from being truly happy.

If everything's “alright” but something still feels wrong, then things aren’t nearly as right as we’ve convinced ourselves to believe. It reminds me of two ministers I know discussing their respective relationships. The one was going into extensive details about his marriage, defending all the reasons why he was in and should stay in his relationship. When he paused, the other said very gently, “It sounds like you have what I call a “good enough” marriage.”

The question we can all consider is, Do we want to be in a good enough marriage, job, house, or any other situation? Don’t we, each and every one of us, deserve to have an amazing life worth living? I’m talking about a lie that so excites us that we just can’t imagine how today can be so amazing, yet we know tomorrow is going to be even better. We live in a user-friendly universe, designed and created to support us in all sectors of our lives. So why would anyone settle for less than s/he deserves?

I hope you are as uncomfortable reading this as I am writing this. Understand, please, that I’m being sadistic. I bring this subject up because I know that addressing the problem in your own life can create the atmosphere for the discussion, decision and motivation necessary for change. I’m not suggesting you quit your job, leave your spouse or move across country later this week. I am suggesting, however, that the next time you feel like you’ve settled for a good enough anything that you make sure you are really happy in doing so. Being content is not the same as settling. A sense of calm contentedness has its foundation in an empowered life. But if we settle in our present situation while at the same time forever reaching for something to replace what we have, then we are not living in strength. We are living in spiritual poverty as victims.

None of us deserve to be victims. You have within you the power to create the life you desire. No matter how small that power may feel, know that there is a universal power greater than any situation and you can use that power to affect change in your life. If I can be of any assistance in that regard, please let me know!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Are you “too” independent?

Do you ever feel like getting someone to help you with a project, or seeking counsel when you’re stuck in some way, is a sign of weakness? To some people, if they can’t figure out a problem by themselves they think they have failed. This type of person seems to believe that they should be able to handle anything. If you feel this way from time-to-time you know the kind of emotionally and physically stress it can put on you. I know. I’ve been there. My name is Terry and I’m a “recovering independent-holic!”

I remember how I felt when I began caring for my aging father. Before I was able to get a county aide in several times a week, and prior to when I was able to arrange hospice care, I was his primary caregiver living nearly 200 miles away from him. I traveled over three hours in one direction to get from our house to his apartment across the state. I spent the day grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry … and listening to him complain about the way I did just about everything. In between visits I worried constantly about whether or not he was okay.

I quickly learned that although he needed my help he also needed to be in charge. By having him come out to the kitchen and tell me where to place the groceries I’d just purchased he became more involved with his own care. That helped him to better deal with his situation, but it did little for me. I still found myself feeling inadequate, as if I should be able to anticipate his needs and provide for him before he asked.

He wasn’t the first person needing hospice care that I’d assisted. One of my first ministerial assignments began in 1989 when I became director of visitation for our church, providing services for people with HIV/AIDS in various Los Angeles hospitals and hospices. When I began caring for my dad I was already an experienced minister, had just received my first licensed as a social worker, and had a master’s degree in that field. In my mind these facts only upped the ante for me to set higher standards for myself than I was capable of attaining. Surely I should know how to handle this!

Well, I didn’t. I had all that prior experience, training and expertise that was useful in caring for strangers and teaching others, but precious few of those tools made sense to me when I looked at my own father. After three months of eighteen-hour days once a week I sat at his feet in front of his recliner, looked up at him and said through my tears, “I don’t know now to do this. I just don’t know how to do this anymore.” He just stared at me. I told him I was doing my very best, but nothing I did seemed to be good enough. I told him I felt like I was completely failing him in providing for even his basic needs. I suggested he find someone who could help him the way he wanted, because I was tired of crying all the way back home every week and feeling helpless about it.

He started crying. My vulnerability and refusal to think I had all the answers opened the door for him to admit how useless he felt, how angry he was that he couldn’t do even the simplest of tasks for himself, and how much he resented having to rely on the son he felt he’d failed as a father. After 50-plus years of being at odds with one another I honestly think I felt our hearts crack open. It was a breakthrough moment for us both. Over the next three years we still had our differences and disagreements (many quite unpleasant for one or both of us, if you must know!), but most of the time we worked as an interdependent, symbiotic unit to direct his care until he passed quietly one morning.

Ultimately, all we have at the end of the day is whether or not we are happy with our life; no one else but us is responsible for our happiness. Still, in this amazing universe in which we live, move and have our being, we are surrounded by other independent, autonomous spirits having their own human experience. Why not help one another instead of competing, isolating and alienating?

Here’s a thought for you to ponder and play with this week if you desire. If you’re stumped with a situation, even after meditating or approaching the problem through affirmative prayer (like the spiritual mind treatment I’ve written about before), why not ask for help? Where would you find that? In the people around you, that’s where! They can be a trusted friend, a partner/spouse, a mentor, a minister, your spiritual guide or a therapist.

It’s not a sign of weakness or lack of independence to seek help. I find doing so takes the edge off of feeling like I have to do everything. Would you be willing to give that a try this week? Is there something you would like to move through or beyond? I’d be happy to be there for you. If so, reach out by contacting me at:  terry@terrydrewkaranen.com. It would be my honor to support you!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

It Just Makes Me Want to Scream – Part Two: The spirituality of being human

Did you do any screaming last week? (If you don’t understand why I’d ask that question, go back and read last week’s blog first!) I hope you understood last week that I wasn’t suggesting we run around like a bunch of raving maniacs, screaming our heads off at the world. However, we can sometimes experience frustrations that need a release. That can be a private scream or a good cry.

I suggested last week that if we can get beyond the anger and frustration we will find fear and an emotional wounding of some sort. If we have the strength to go that far in our spiritual journey we will recognize just how deep we have buried the pain, how we feel damaged and by whom. How can we move through that kind of profound emotional sadness? Recognizing that we are hurt is the first step to our healing. It is then that we can take stock of what is causing the pain with the goal of moving through and beyond the experience.

In my experience most of anguish in my life has been caused by one of the following situations:

•          I failed to live up to my expectations or what others expected of me
•          Someone else failed to live up to my expectations of what I thought was their potential
•          I got my feelings hurt because another person didn’t act the way I expected them to act
•          I got rejected and I failed to understand why since I’d done everything I thought I should have done

All these scenarios are about how we handle or mishandle events in our life. We get ticked off. We get our feelings hurt. Our egos get bruised. Sometimes we know we are the perpetrator; sometimes we feel like the victim. In the end, none of that matters. What matters is what we are going to do with the mess in front of us. If we want sunny-side-up eggs and break the yoke while cooking the eggs either we are going settle for scrambled eggs, or throw out the eggs and start over. Both are options. I humbly suggest, however, if you are going to willingly accept the scrambled experiences when you wanted sunny-side-up outcomes that you do not complain about the situation. It’s counterproductive to willingly accept less than we desire and then whine about it.

If we are willing to recognize the wound and identify the cause, then what is the next step? If others are involved that could mean admitting our hurt to them. Will they help clean the wound and apply a soothing balm, or will they rip the wound further apart and pour salt into it? There is a possibility that some people could do the latter. The mere suggestion even more pain can occur might be enough to stop us from moving forward. But even if that does happen, here’s the blessing:  We know where we stand and we no longer have to permit that individual to continue abusing us.

If we find that the wound is imagined or concocted, designed specifically by our ego and acted out in our own mind with no one else involved, then we have the challenge of dealing with those issues. We might have to take a very personal and honest look at how we are living our life. Are there decisions we’ve been putting off because we’re afraid of the outcome? We can stand by the side of the pool and worry that the water is cold, or we can jump in and find out. Sometimes we’re afraid to even stick our toe in!

There is a way to work through deep-seated pain and exit the experience to peace and freedom. Here’s what you might want to try this week:  When you have a few quite moments alone, take a very, very, very deep breath. Allow a long-standing problem you have had come to you. In your mind, turn it over and look at it from all sides. Then ask Spirit what it is you need to do to move through and beyond the issue. You may already know the answer, even if you don’t like it. Whatever your next step is, would you be willing to take it, or at least consider taking it? While we may not always like what we have to do, there is a tremendous sense of empowerment if we can muster the courage to do so. Don’t think you can do it alone? No problem – you don’t have to! Please let me know how I can support you, or reach out to someone you trust to walk with you through this period of time. Together, we can remind each other of just how powerful, how wonderful and how magnificent we are.

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Does It Make You Want to Scream? – Part One: The spirituality of being human

Do you ever have situations in your life when you feel like you’ve done everything you can to produce the desired outcome, but the whole thing just falls apart…or blows up…or implodes?!? I believe we call that “frustration” (among other things!). It can often be accompanied by screaming and fist pounding. Doesn’t sound very “spiritual,” does it?

On the contrary, I think it does! We may be “spirit have a human experience,” but the fact remains we are HUMAN. We are here, on this planet and in these bodies, to participate in the human experience. That implies ALL of the human experience from the joy and ecstasy of love to the anger and pain of unpleasant scenarios. When it comes to the latter it just sucks.

There are a number of ways we can handle situations like this, but I believe there are two extremes we can observe. One is putting our tail between our legs while we skulk off into the shadows because we think the entire fiasco was our fault (aka, The Grand Martyr Syndrome, which has little to do with responsibility and smacks of being a victim). The other is to blame the other party(ies) for the disaster as if we weren’t part of the process. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Yes, there is always personal responsibility, but in the attempt to accept our part we can ignore other factors that were involved.

I remember in the 1980s how apologies suddenly went out with dial phones. It was never just, “I’m sorry,” but rather some arrogant platitude that came out as, “Did you find out why you partnered with me to make me do what I did to get you so upset?” It was – and still is – metaphysical psyhobabble that lacks the healing energies of love and compassion. It does, however, grow out of ego and arrogance run rampant.

Rather than discuss “whose fault is it,” a more positive way of dealing with great upset is to do exactly what society may not want us to do:  Have a little “reaction.” We might just want to have a good scream, cry or beat a few pillows. “Just git it out and git it all over yourself, honey,” my grandma Esther used to say, “’cause it’s better out than in.”

Pretending we aren’t royally ticked off when we are doesn’t help the healing process. To do that would be like bandaging up a severely, dirty wound without first cleaning out the injury and applying medication. If our frustrations do not manifest in one way they most assuredly will become apparent in some other way. Often that shows up as a physical or emotional ailment we may find hard to shake. Dealing with the blockage to our happiness, as opposed to pretending we aren’t affected by it, will allow us to get beyond the upset and onto the healing we deserve.

Have you been living with a long-standing physical problem that doesn’t seem to go away no matter what you do? Could it perhaps have started around the same time there was someone or something in your life that just made you want to scream? Perhaps you could consider giving into that – my favorite place is under water in the hot tub. If you decide to find a place, please inform others if they are around. Pets must decidedly not be in the area – no need to expose them to that! Once you get it all out I suspect you might find what’s under the anger – there’s always something under the anger! This allows us to more effectively deal with the real emotional issue. In my experience that emotion is fear, but below that is pain or hurt. Next week I’ll write more about how to deal with that kind of deep pain.

Until then, be willing to feel frustration and any other emotions should they arise, rather than burying your feelings. Then, find a safe, appropriate and preferable private, place to express that frustration. This is not about striking out at others, but going within our own consciousness to get at the root of our issue. Oh, and if you do decide to have a little scream of your own, take it from a trained singer:  Lower your voice. There’s fare less chance of damaging your vocal chords that way. And, as always, if you need a listening ear to help you work through it, I’d be happy to assist!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Approaching Confrontation With Integrity

Are you someone who shuts down at the first sign of disagreement? I’m a recovering people pleaser. Growing up in my family I chose the role of mediator, reconciliator and all-around peacemaker. I made it my mission in life to make sure no one was upset, since upset often led to an outburst none of us wanted to witness. It’s no surprise that I used to avoid confrontation at almost all costs, though usually any costs involved were to my own self-esteem and well-being.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one to run out and find a fight. But by the same token I no longer avoid a squabble just because it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. In fact, I’ve come to see the value in disagreement because it can more clearly define the values I hold dear, even sacrosanct. As a child and young adult I studied the Bible extensively, cultivating some very concrete beliefs in the religion of my family. Still, my mother, who acted as instructor and guide in my studies, drilled one principle into me from day one:

If my own beliefs can’t stand up to scrutiny then perhaps
my beliefs are not built on as rock-solid a foundation
as I might like to believe.

When was the last time you really thought about your beliefs? Are they built on as “rock-solid” a foundation you think they are? Just recently I came across a recorded lecture by Margaret Heffernan titled, “Dare to Disagree.” In her work she teaches about “conflict avoidance and selective blindness” when it comes to our belief systems. She posits that having someone in our life or our business that is diametrically opposed to our point of view can be a very beneficial thing, not a thorn in our side. How can that be?

Margaret and my mother would be fast friends. There was a time when I avoided the “white elephant in the living room conversations” that could lead to an argument. Today my family knows, much to their chagrin at times, that I not only acknowledge the elephant, but I paint her purple so no one misses her, name her, make sure she’s litter box trained and invite her to Thanksgiving dinner. “Better out than in,” Grandma Esther used to say!

If we’re not careful, we can too often and very easily make decisions in the context of how society or our families expect us to act. We can live our lives the way we do in some cases because to do otherwise might mean we’d have to look at the garbage in our life that’s currently being hidden by the symbolically beautiful whipped cream we’ve slathered on top of it. The problem is that the whipped cream façade eventually melts or sours. Then we have a very wet, nasty-smelling problem in our life with which to deal. That can show up like the job that is literally killing us, the marriage that is only waiting for a straw to break the camel’s back before the divorce, or the health issue that lands us in the ER. Before we know it we can become lulled into complacency, not because we love our current situation, but because it’s comfortable, safe and it’s what we know.

Is that the way you want to live? In a mediocre job, a “good enough marriage,” or a body in which you feel trapped? I don’t. I believe in creating a vision of a life that is worth living, one surrounded by people who are enthusiastically pursuing and sharing their dreams and living in a conscious awareness of the abundance around me. Does that resonate with you?

If so, here’s just one very simple act you might consider trying over the next week should any confrontation or argument pass your way. Before you utter one word, before you craft that snarky or cutting reply to shut up the offender, before you ignite a blaze where there was only a few smoldering ashes, do just one, very, very simple thing:  STOP YOURSELF! Ask yourself three questions about the disagreement:

1.    Is what s/he is saying true?

2.    Is my anger right now because I’m avoiding a truth I don’t want to hear?

3.    If the answer to #1 and #2 are “Yes,” then am I willing to look at the situation, heal it in my own mind, apologize if needed and move on?

Okay, I know. I said it was simple and you may have just thrown your hands up in the air after reading those three questions. Good, you see the challenge. I said it was going to be simple. I didn’t say it was going to be easy. But what I know is that you can do this if you want to. The mantra I’ve learned to use is, I don’t do confrontation. I do communication. The key is to stick with communication that comes from the heart, without resentment or accusation. It’s not just what we have to say, but how we say it so it can be heard.

You have the power within you to stand firm in your convictions no matter what others are saying if those beliefs are tried and true. And, I know that if your beliefs are not withstanding the test of fire, you have within you what it takes to embrace the next step in re-creating your life and moving closer to the joy you envision. Love yourself enough to do this. If you feel you don’t have what it takes, borrow some of my faith in you this week and know that I support you in doing what needs to be done. We are always supported in our decisions by a power greater than us. The focus of my ministry to others is to help people access that power and find their own vision, their own path that reveals the essence of why they are on the planet. It is my joy to work with you in having that life worth living – how can I support you?

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry