Does It Make You Want to Scream? – Part One: The spirituality of being human

Do you ever have situations in your life when you feel like you’ve done everything you can to produce the desired outcome, but the whole thing just falls apart…or blows up…or implodes?!? I believe we call that “frustration” (among other things!). It can often be accompanied by screaming and fist pounding. Doesn’t sound very “spiritual,” does it?

On the contrary, I think it does! We may be “spirit have a human experience,” but the fact remains we are HUMAN. We are here, on this planet and in these bodies, to participate in the human experience. That implies ALL of the human experience from the joy and ecstasy of love to the anger and pain of unpleasant scenarios. When it comes to the latter it just sucks.

There are a number of ways we can handle situations like this, but I believe there are two extremes we can observe. One is putting our tail between our legs while we skulk off into the shadows because we think the entire fiasco was our fault (aka, The Grand Martyr Syndrome, which has little to do with responsibility and smacks of being a victim). The other is to blame the other party(ies) for the disaster as if we weren’t part of the process. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Yes, there is always personal responsibility, but in the attempt to accept our part we can ignore other factors that were involved.

I remember in the 1980s how apologies suddenly went out with dial phones. It was never just, “I’m sorry,” but rather some arrogant platitude that came out as, “Did you find out why you partnered with me to make me do what I did to get you so upset?” It was – and still is – metaphysical psyhobabble that lacks the healing energies of love and compassion. It does, however, grow out of ego and arrogance run rampant.

Rather than discuss “whose fault is it,” a more positive way of dealing with great upset is to do exactly what society may not want us to do:  Have a little “reaction.” We might just want to have a good scream, cry or beat a few pillows. “Just git it out and git it all over yourself, honey,” my grandma Esther used to say, “’cause it’s better out than in.”

Pretending we aren’t royally ticked off when we are doesn’t help the healing process. To do that would be like bandaging up a severely, dirty wound without first cleaning out the injury and applying medication. If our frustrations do not manifest in one way they most assuredly will become apparent in some other way. Often that shows up as a physical or emotional ailment we may find hard to shake. Dealing with the blockage to our happiness, as opposed to pretending we aren’t affected by it, will allow us to get beyond the upset and onto the healing we deserve.

Have you been living with a long-standing physical problem that doesn’t seem to go away no matter what you do? Could it perhaps have started around the same time there was someone or something in your life that just made you want to scream? Perhaps you could consider giving into that – my favorite place is under water in the hot tub. If you decide to find a place, please inform others if they are around. Pets must decidedly not be in the area – no need to expose them to that! Once you get it all out I suspect you might find what’s under the anger – there’s always something under the anger! This allows us to more effectively deal with the real emotional issue. In my experience that emotion is fear, but below that is pain or hurt. Next week I’ll write more about how to deal with that kind of deep pain.

Until then, be willing to feel frustration and any other emotions should they arise, rather than burying your feelings. Then, find a safe, appropriate and preferable private, place to express that frustration. This is not about striking out at others, but going within our own consciousness to get at the root of our issue. Oh, and if you do decide to have a little scream of your own, take it from a trained singer:  Lower your voice. There’s fare less chance of damaging your vocal chords that way. And, as always, if you need a listening ear to help you work through it, I’d be happy to assist!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Approaching Confrontation With Integrity

Are you someone who shuts down at the first sign of disagreement? I’m a recovering people pleaser. Growing up in my family I chose the role of mediator, reconciliator and all-around peacemaker. I made it my mission in life to make sure no one was upset, since upset often led to an outburst none of us wanted to witness. It’s no surprise that I used to avoid confrontation at almost all costs, though usually any costs involved were to my own self-esteem and well-being.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one to run out and find a fight. But by the same token I no longer avoid a squabble just because it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. In fact, I’ve come to see the value in disagreement because it can more clearly define the values I hold dear, even sacrosanct. As a child and young adult I studied the Bible extensively, cultivating some very concrete beliefs in the religion of my family. Still, my mother, who acted as instructor and guide in my studies, drilled one principle into me from day one:

If my own beliefs can’t stand up to scrutiny then perhaps
my beliefs are not built on as rock-solid a foundation
as I might like to believe.

When was the last time you really thought about your beliefs? Are they built on as “rock-solid” a foundation you think they are? Just recently I came across a recorded lecture by Margaret Heffernan titled, “Dare to Disagree.” In her work she teaches about “conflict avoidance and selective blindness” when it comes to our belief systems. She posits that having someone in our life or our business that is diametrically opposed to our point of view can be a very beneficial thing, not a thorn in our side. How can that be?

Margaret and my mother would be fast friends. There was a time when I avoided the “white elephant in the living room conversations” that could lead to an argument. Today my family knows, much to their chagrin at times, that I not only acknowledge the elephant, but I paint her purple so no one misses her, name her, make sure she’s litter box trained and invite her to Thanksgiving dinner. “Better out than in,” Grandma Esther used to say!

If we’re not careful, we can too often and very easily make decisions in the context of how society or our families expect us to act. We can live our lives the way we do in some cases because to do otherwise might mean we’d have to look at the garbage in our life that’s currently being hidden by the symbolically beautiful whipped cream we’ve slathered on top of it. The problem is that the whipped cream façade eventually melts or sours. Then we have a very wet, nasty-smelling problem in our life with which to deal. That can show up like the job that is literally killing us, the marriage that is only waiting for a straw to break the camel’s back before the divorce, or the health issue that lands us in the ER. Before we know it we can become lulled into complacency, not because we love our current situation, but because it’s comfortable, safe and it’s what we know.

Is that the way you want to live? In a mediocre job, a “good enough marriage,” or a body in which you feel trapped? I don’t. I believe in creating a vision of a life that is worth living, one surrounded by people who are enthusiastically pursuing and sharing their dreams and living in a conscious awareness of the abundance around me. Does that resonate with you?

If so, here’s just one very simple act you might consider trying over the next week should any confrontation or argument pass your way. Before you utter one word, before you craft that snarky or cutting reply to shut up the offender, before you ignite a blaze where there was only a few smoldering ashes, do just one, very, very simple thing:  STOP YOURSELF! Ask yourself three questions about the disagreement:

1.    Is what s/he is saying true?

2.    Is my anger right now because I’m avoiding a truth I don’t want to hear?

3.    If the answer to #1 and #2 are “Yes,” then am I willing to look at the situation, heal it in my own mind, apologize if needed and move on?

Okay, I know. I said it was simple and you may have just thrown your hands up in the air after reading those three questions. Good, you see the challenge. I said it was going to be simple. I didn’t say it was going to be easy. But what I know is that you can do this if you want to. The mantra I’ve learned to use is, I don’t do confrontation. I do communication. The key is to stick with communication that comes from the heart, without resentment or accusation. It’s not just what we have to say, but how we say it so it can be heard.

You have the power within you to stand firm in your convictions no matter what others are saying if those beliefs are tried and true. And, I know that if your beliefs are not withstanding the test of fire, you have within you what it takes to embrace the next step in re-creating your life and moving closer to the joy you envision. Love yourself enough to do this. If you feel you don’t have what it takes, borrow some of my faith in you this week and know that I support you in doing what needs to be done. We are always supported in our decisions by a power greater than us. The focus of my ministry to others is to help people access that power and find their own vision, their own path that reveals the essence of why they are on the planet. It is my joy to work with you in having that life worth living – how can I support you?

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Great Expectations

Have you ever suffered disappointment at some time in your life? I suppose that’s a rhetorical question since the answer is, “Well, duh!” We all experience disappointments. Most of my disillusionments have come from when I fall short of reaching my own goals or expectations for myself, not when others fail to live up to my desires. If you, like me, have been given the title of perfectionist (as if that was a badge of shame!), you are well aware that someone who is always striving for perfection is usually harder on him/herself than other people. We SO want to do it “right,” whatever “right” is for us, for others or society. It begs the question, Is perfection is really possible? Are we running on a treadmill of frustration by trying so hard? In fact, why have expectations, great of otherwise, at all?

It’s never perfect and it’s always perfect.

Let me explain what I mean by that. I’ve been privileged to officiant for at least a hundred weddings, holy unions, commitment ceremonies, baptisms, christenings, funerals and memorials over my twenty years in ministry, as well as house blessings, pet blessings and a few exorcisms (more about that another time…). What I can report to you is that when planning the event the people involved want it to be “perfect” – this is particularly true for weddings. The belief is that we have “one shot” to get this right. No retakes. No revisions. One shot. Period.

One of the places I perform weddings in our area has a beautiful, expansive Italian garden. Most brides select a processional that goes from the very top of the gardens to a pavilion at the bottom. With a large wedding party it can take up to seven or eight minutes, but choreographed correctly by “moi” it’s a beautiful and memorable event – unless it rains, as it often can in the summer here in south central Pennsylvania. We had an absolute downpour one day, but the bride was adamant about the processional. So it took place, in the downpour, with huge golf umbrellas provided by the resort for some protection. And … it was perfect.

HOW could have been?!? The couple had great expectations of their special day and a near monsoon was not part of the plan. I’ve heard there’s an Italian tradition that says when it rains on your wedding it means God is showering you with blessings. If that’s the case this couple was blessed beyond all expectation! The bride got exactly what she wanted – a beautiful processional – even if the gown and bridesmaids dresses were a little worse for the wear upon arrival at the lower pavilion. You might think I was dealing with a bridezilla who, come hell or (in this case) high water, was going to have it her way or the highway. Not at all.

I don’t see it that way. If anything, I believe it showed a willingness, tenacity, dedication and determination to fulfill the desire of her fiancé and her. Have you had your plans go array to this extent, or even more severe? Did you think it was a failure and did you suffer the event? It’s never perfect and it’s always perfect. What that means to me is that it, whatever “it” is, is going to be exactly what it’s going to be. We can plan or outline every single detail and be disappointed if things don’t go according to plan, or we can go with the flow and enjoy the moment for what it is. Scripture says, “Time and unforeseen circumstances befall us all.” What does that mean? It means life happens. “Shift” happens.

How we deal with the changes and shifts in life about which we seem to have no control will determine our moods, our attitudes about life, how much people want to be around us, and our future. Without “great expectations” of our future we will most likely end up with a less than a stellar or satisfying life. What do you “expect?” When Emma Curtis Hopkins, New Thought teacher and mental healing expert, was asked by Raymond Charles Barker why she thought a particular case for which she was present seem to have a healing that occurred so quickly and easily. Her answer? “It was what I expected.” Can’t you just imagine in the story of the resurrection of Lazarus when the great teacher Jesus proclaimed, “Lazarus, come out!” but nothing happening? Excuse me? The healing was, again, what he expected.

What do you expect from life, from your future? I invite you this week to think bigger than ever about what you want your life to look like. Would you be willing to do that? You could sit quietly, calm your senses and uncover the joys you desire, the peace you seek and the healings you require. Write those down, without regard to how many come up, and then pick just three. I’m not talking about a new car or a new job. I’m talking about how you envision a peace, a more harmonious life. Then give it to Spirit and expect great things! Let me know how that works out for you!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Whose Potential Are You Trying to Realize?

Where in your life are you beating your head against the wall? Did you notice I assumed you are “beating your head against the wall?” I can nearly guarantee, with very few exceptions, that you are doing something currently that feels exactly that way. You may feel stuck in a relationship, dissatisfied with your living space, or wondering why you haven’t found a job in the same field as that expensive degree you obtained. But, if you can’t find something in your life that fits this description, just stop reading, don’t waste your time and I’ll see you back here next week! Oh….And kudos to you! You rock!

Still reading, aren’t you? Here’s the kicker – I’m still here, too, and writing this blog. In my own past history someone else was usually involved in me bloodying my head. Mind you, I always had his/her best intentions in mind. The problem was that it was what I wanted for them, not what they wanted. But I, in my infinite wisdom, had decided someone else needed to be more expressive or successful or something. My heart, and yours, too, is in the right place. We mean well, but because we don’t have agreement with the other person in this endeavor it doesn’t work out to our liking.

Haven’t you said, or heard someone say, “S/He has SO much potential! If only s/he would (fill in the blank).” It seems we human beings have some innate ability to readily recognize exactly what everyone else should be doing. And here’s the second kicker:  While we’re busy trying to figure out or help everyone else be amazing, we probably aren’t doing such a bang up job on ourselves.

Here is some “Terry Talk” for you to chew on:  You cannot have a relationship with someone’s potential (though God knows I’ve tried at times!). I first figured this out decades ago and it’s still true. Ignoring that statement is why we find ourselves so frustrated at times. We can so easily be intoxicated in the potential that we fail to see the individual.

When we unilaterally decide someone needs our input and/or guidance they become a “project.” If we are not mindful, we get so involved in helping the other person to be wonderful that it becomes our purpose in life. Meanwhile, the authentic self within us is screaming, “What about me?!?” “Why aren’t my needs being met?” That’s why that even if we convince our loved one to do what we feel is right for them we still don’t feel quite complete with the process. And there’s the biggest clue on this path – if it doesn’t feel right, then why are we doing it?

Unfortunately, instead of stepping back, taking a deep breath and examining our own potential we can very easily get sucked into finding another “project,” aka “victim.” The question is, When will it be your turn to be amazing? When will you give yourself the time to nurture the greatest potential within you? When will you take the step to stop pining about your potential and take the steps necessary to fulfill your purpose on earth? We have to recognize our gifts – otherwise we are robbing the world of something no one else can give – and then act in such a way as to make them available to the world.

A big part of our work on this planet is that of service to others. We must, however, begin with ourselves. Another universal truth is “As above, so below. As within, so without.” It is only by giving fully of ourselves that we can truly be the most effective in helping others, and that means recognizing our unique inner light.

To get more deeply in touch with your inner guidance I would like to suggest that over the next few days you stop yourself – even for a moment – when you next find you are lamenting over a friend or loved one not living up to their potential. Take that opportunity to bless them on their current path, close your eyes and ask yourself, How can I best fulfill my own potential? What within me is calling me to come forward, to color outside the lines, to show the world who I am? And, as always, have fun with this!

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

The Still Small Voice – Are You Listening to It?

Do you feel lost at times, almost in a state of paralysis when confronted with making some decision? In my last blog I wrote about our freedom of choice, of choosing the path we desire to walk. But all of us, myself included, can allow ourselves to be so beaten down by the opinions of others or the range of possibilities that we find ourselves confused and overwhelmed. We may feel unable to decide the best course to take. There is help, but all-to-often we don’t listen to it.

It is at times like this that I remember a phrase used by one of the great spiritual thinkers of the recent past, Emma Curtis Hopkins. She believed in listening to “the still small voice” within each of us to guide and direct our path. Mrs. Hopkins had a complete and unwavering faith in the energy around us that she called God or Spirit, as well as some other terms. If the word “God” does not work for your spirituality, find one that does. And if no word works for you that’s fine, too! The concept of what “the still small voice” is has value for everyone.

So exact what is this “still small voice?” In my family if I’d reported hearing voices, either still, small or otherwise, I’d have been assumed to have been possessed by Satan. Hearing voices was the work of the Devil. The religion of my childhood held no concept of God communicating directly with each of us. We could pray to God, but expecting a direct answer was not in the cards. The best explanation of what Mrs. Hopkins meant is from her own writings:

“On rare and wonderful occasions sincere thinkers have heard the voice. It never tells anything but good. It never tells of weakness. It always tells of strength. It never tells of approaching death, It tells how to live. It never speaks of misfortune ahead of us. It always tells of what move to make or what business to begin or pursue to be prosperous.”

So are we to expect that an all-powerful entity or energy speaks quietly? If it’s all that powerful shouldn’t there be a grand entrance like we’ve seen in epic Hollywood movies, with volume to shake the roof? True power doesn’t have to run us over. As my friend, Jaye Taylor, once told me, “God can’t speak to us when we’re noisy.” The concept of power being loud, harsh, physical and invasive is a product of our male-dominated, testosterone-driving western culture, e.g., big pickup trucks with huge tires and a loud muffler equate to “Boy, am I something!”

God doesn’t have overcompensation issues. The power of which Mrs. Hopkins speaks does not have any need to prove itself to anyone. The confidence and power of Spirit is not dependent upon the outside approval or accreditation of others, and neither does our power need to be. If we are taking time to admit to ourselves our heart’s desire; if we are being honest to ourselves our true abilities; then, and only then, will we be made aware of the still small voice, our intuition or just a gut feeling about a decision or our next step.

We have within us the power to change our life and the wisdom to know that the change can come about. How it will come about is revealed when we open ourselves up to that inner wisdom. Perhaps this week you might want to become more consciously aware of how you feel about situations, people and events. I’m not suggesting that you act on your first impulse, but I am proffering the possibility of giving more attention to passing thoughts as evidence of inner guidance, your own still small voice. Maybe you’ll hear something that “clicks” in a song on the radio. You might suddenly think to turn left when you normally turn right on your way to work. The still small voice within each of us is speaking all the time – are you speaking the same language as it is? Could you be available to hear what your intuition has to say? Would you be willing, just for fun, to see what that’s like?

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

Feel free to forward this to someone you love!

Not Choosing Is Choosing

Have you ever had a decision to make in your life and just can’t figure out what to do? It might be as simple as what movie to see with a friend or it could be making a major career move. I know in my own life there have been times I over-analyzed a situation to the point that I thought my brain was going to explode, but still didn’t have a solution that I felt good about.

When Ernest Holmes said, “Change your thinking, change your life,” he was talking about making choices. We can’t change anything in our lives without making a conscious or unconscious choice to do so. I would proffer to you that making active, informed choices is preferable over reacting like we were a piece of machinery. Gary Zukav wrote that if we make conscious choices we evolve consciously. The opposite is also true.

In his book, “The Art of Uncertainty,” Dennis Merritt Jones wrote, “You can run but you cannot hide because making choices is not an option.” The question arises, Isn’t not choosing an option for us?” Jones says “no” and I agree. During my early training in the teachings of New Thought, one of my teachers said simply, “Not choosing is choosing.” I didn’t understand that at all at the time. I figured that if I didn’t decide then someone else would decide for me, eliminating the need to make a decision, e.g. let my partner or friend choose the movie. That act, though it seems passive – dare we say “victim” in some choices? – is quite active and IS choosing. We are choosing not to choose.

In this case what we are doing is choosing to allow someone else to have power in our lives, to allow the will and whim of another person to have control over our present life and quite possibly our future outcomes. That’s a lot of power to give away. It also sets us up for disappointment if our plan was to play the victim game. We can’t be a victim because we volunteered for the outcome by not making the choice ourselves. In other words, allowing the other person to choose the movie doesn’t give me the right to complain about how it was the wrong choice!

This week endeavor to make conscious, informed choices. If the time to choose doesn’t feel right to you, then perhaps the decision can be put off. If not, the wisdom of my mother as I was growing up applies:  “When in doubt, don’t.”

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry

The Power of Saying "Yes"

Have you ever wanted something – REALLY wanted something! – but, when it was placed before you there was a moment of hesitation before you accepted it? It’s happened to me. It seems that many of us have a problem saying “yes.” We can be so focused on needing something in our lives that when it (whatever “it” is) appears we find ourselves questioning the arrival. The packaging (or the form in which our good comes to us) may not look like what we expected. It may come quicker than we thought possible. We might even avoid accepting our good because we feel unworthy. So let’s look at some of the reasons that stops us from saying “yes” to life and how to be more receptive to our good.

• ·       Packaging – Wow…that’s a big one in my history. The example I use is the man who asks for help and it comes from the most unexpected source – the mother-in-law he can’t stand! My personal favorite was perfect, Divine Right guidance that came from an ex-lover who owed me money. Accept THAT one! It wasn’t easy, since he had no intention of repaying me, but by gritting my teeth I got the answer I needed to return to “yes,” meaning peace of mind.
• ·       Immediate demonstration – I love this one and, again, I must tell a story on myself about it. I had been dating the man who is now my partner for a little over a year. We had “that talk” and decided we wanted to make a go of it (guess it worked as that was nearly 10 years ago). That meant I had to move, so I put in a transfer with my company at the time, expecting it to take about a year. Instead, I got my transfer in less than a month. We panicked. I panicked! Should I say “no” to the transfer? A wise friend said, “Let me get this straight. You asked God to provide for you. God did, and now you are going to thumb your nose at the Universe because it happened quicker than your little mind thought possible. Is that about it?” I took the transfer.
• ·       Unworthiness – Here’s where self-doubt comes into play. We may, for whatever reason – the perfect daily guide, a friend’s encouragement, etc – decide, “Darn it! I’m going to DO this!” whatever “this” is. We pray, we meditate, we make plans and create a goal list and VOILÁ! The object of our desire is before us. The logical thing to do is open our arms wide, embrace the gift and give thanks. But we don’t always do that, do we? Sometimes it’s packaging or timing, but often it can be that now that the object of our desire is before us we start to feel shame, unworthiness or guilt.

Let’s not forget the role that wisdom plays in the power of “yes.” There are some people who tell us to say “Yes!” to everything. I’m not opposed to accepting my good, in fact I welcome it. But let’s understand that if someone suggests you walk out in front of a bus with him, or accept a poisonous snake as a gift, we acknowledge that what we really mean to say “Yes!” to everything that is for our highest good. It’s the process of implied wisdom, using our past experiences in life for a beneficial present and future.

Here’s another way of looking at this. We have enough Easter candy in the house right now to start our own dollar store. If I say “Yes!” to my ever-present chocolate cravings every time I pass by the kitchen counter I’ll soon not fit between the counter and the frig. As my chiropractor (a bodybuilder) pointed out to me recently, I can’t be tempted if it’s not there. Well, there is THAT! But, for now, the candy IS there. I get to decide (on a most frequent schedule) to say “yes” or “no” to yet another piece of chocolate. Based on the way my suit felt yesterday when I wore it I’m choosing to say “no” more often. What “candy of instant gratification” is calling to you right now?

Here’s a suggestion for you to play with over the next week based on the three points outlined above. First, be sure that you really want something before you ask for it and be willing to accept it without deciding exactly how it’s supposed to show up. Second, open the space to accept your good a whole lot quicker than you might be able to imagine. And, third, receive your good with grace and appreciation, knowing that if it’s presented to you that it’s yours to claim! Care to give that a try?

In Spirit, Truth and Playfulness,

Terry